Ah, the world of cell phones, where purveyors of sleek technology astonish us with innovation. With such a vast array of options available, it should come as no surprise that there exists an equally massive market for accessories. At best these accessories allow us to personalise and enhance our cell phone experience. At worst we are left with a post-purchase consumer hangover. This article will explore the lengths to which companies go to achieve that most coveted of titles: the Unique Selling Point.

10 - Cell Phone Charm

    Arguably a modern equivalent to the old fashioned key ring, these potential choking hazards seem to be becoming ubiquitous among those of a certain age. They usually consist of injection molded plastic shaped into objects that range from tacky all the way through to downright awful. There exists such a huge range of these inappropriately named items that this writer can only assume that there are people out there who have attached so many that a rucksack is required to carry them all. The picture shows a cell phone charm in the shape of a phone. Trying to conceive of a reason for the existence of such a product is probably best left to the philosophers.

9 - iPhone Telescope

    The advent of cell phone cameras has turned us all into budding paparazzi, so it should come as no suprise that the immense accessory production capacity of the People’s Republic of China should be turned towards lenses. The iPhone Telescope seeks to improve the admittedly sub-par iPhone camera by attaching a frankly ridiculous looking lens. It requires you first put your iPhone into a plastic case, restricting access to the side buttons of the phone. If you are so audacious as to actually attempt to take a photo using this lens, you’ll find the lack of image stabilization will likely result in a blurry impressionist mess on the screen. Ultimately this product is only marginally more useful than buying $20 of cell phone charms.

8 - LUCY Noise Free Throat Microphone

    Existing somewhere between Blade Runner and Star Trek, the LUCY Noise Free Throat Microphone is a “total solution” to “communication noise intrusion problems”. This product could certainly be useful in workplaces with a lot of background noise, such as when under attack by the Klingons.

7 - Bluetooth Bracelet

    This gadget, shown in a rather charming pink, vibrates and displays the name or number of a caller on an OLED screen when a call is received. Probably the only genuinely useful product on this list. While this may seem like a strange product at first, imagine the alternative applications of this technology away from bracelets. As cell phones become more general purpose appliances, the number of uses for a device like this increases exponentially. Imagine a device like this sewn into the sleeve of a shirt, wearable computing is said to be a growing technology and this is surely a forerunner.

6 - Flash Pet Tree

    Pioneering a new era of mobile horticulture, the Flash Pet Tree is a jar that combines the flashing function of some cell phone charms with the unparalleled excitement of watching a plant grow. Slowly. The perplexing thing about this product is the sheer pointlessness of it. The futility of a plant in a hermetically sealed container is almost enough to cause an existential crisis for this writer, which is not something one wishes to occur on receipt of a phone call. The sales website promises ‘the fun of raising plants, the scents of joy’ as well as to ‘help busy people of our times be in touch with nature’. Indeed.

5 - Antenna Booster

    As we hurtle into a future increasingly reliant on technology, it is interesting to note that certain concepts evolve and progress with us. Snake oil has existed since at least the 1880s. In it’s original form snake oil was exactly that - a supposedly beneficial oil allegedly extracted from snakes. Between then and now snake oil has taken on a variety of forms, be they tonics, pills or gases the concept remains the same. So it is today with technology, mysterious little gadgets and doodads are offered for suspiciously low prices in conspicuously high volumes. The Antenna Booster is snake oil plain and simple, a small piece of plastic and metal that slots in behind your phone battery and harmonizes the magnetic resonance of the Thirteen Ghosts of Scooby Doo to make your phone work better. All for $5, for a pack of two!

4 - Anti-Stress PU Phone Seat

    Concerned that your phone might be feeling a little stressed out? Want to give it a chance to just kick back and relax for a bit? The Anti-Stress PU Phone Seat is the accessory for you! A soft foam seat with an “anti-stress function”, ideal for allowing your phone to recover after a long phone call or particularly complicated text message. Remember, stress is the leading cause of low battery in many cell phones so be sure to give yours a break every now and then!

3 - Mobile Flashlight

    Obviously attentive to the fact that most of us at some time or another have used our cell phones as flashlights, the makers of the Mobile Flashlight (compared to those immobile flashlights?) have jumped in to ensure that we no longer waste our cell batteries on such trivial issues. By simply attaching a bulky bit of plastic with some LEDs to your phone, you too can vanquish the darkness! If there is anyone out there that would destroy the form factor and aesthetics of their phone to use something like this, this writer would love to hear from them. Preferably with pictures of one of these attached to an iPhone.

2 - Protector

    I think we all remember this one. The debates, the arguments, the news reports. There was a time not too long ago when these things were on sale everywhere, it seems they fell out of favor though, and can now usually be found lurking around discount stores, near their brothers the Antenna Boosters. It is scientific fact that if you install an Antenna Booster and a radiation protector in the same phone, you gain direct access to the minds of gods. An unstoppable force collides with an immovable object, the wolf dwells with the lamb and nothing is ever the same.

1 - HOT Vision Video Goggles

    Surely a front runner in the “Most Likely to Cause Severe Retinal Damage” awards, this device claims to simulate a virtual 50 inch screen by placing tiny screens very close to the user’s eyes. Theoretically a solution to the irritation of watching video on a small cell phone screen, the inclusion of headphones apparently allows for some serious immersion. This writer anticipates a future in which public transport is full of people wearing these, each immersed in their own private world. But lets face it, the real appeal of these is the opportunity to impersonate Geordi LaForge.

Do we really still need to talk about this? You’d think with over a decade of experience under our belts along with our inherent delusions of hyper sophistication that we’d have figured things out by now. But the sad truth remains: cell-phone douche-baggery is worse than ever! In terms of maturity levels, many of us rank amongst toddlers, interrupting anyone and anything with our loud nonsense, our little fingers obsessively pushing buttons with what’s left of our attention spans constantly distracted by various bells, whistles, and bright colors on tiny screens. This ridiculous need to be in touch with all people at all times is getting out of hand, and while we think we are staying more connected with each other, we are in fact treating those closest to us like China treated the Mongols. We’re building giant walls people! The following are basic cell phone rules of etiquette which people still can’t seem to follow. In fact, they should be called “How to use your common sense and remain polite in a human society.” Read them, learn them, and absorb them into your system as you would the vitamins from a mango smoothie.

1. Talking too loudly.

“YES! FOR THE LOVE OF BABY JESUS, WE CAN HEAR YOU NOW!” For some bizarre reason people feel the need to raise their voices while on their phones. I think we’ve come far enough, technologically speaking, to trust the phone’s microphone to adequately amplify and carry your voice. Your mouth couldn’t physically be any closer to the microphone, so unless you’re talking into it from a Captain Kirk distance or calling in an airstrike while under heavy machine gun fire, there’s no need to yell. Hell, even Kirk never raised his voice and he was communicating with an alcoholic Scotsman on a space ship!

Note: There are attention-seekers out there who speak loudly on purpose to “show off” recent accomplishments and victories to impress surrounding strangers. Do not hate on them too much, they were probably adopted and are cursed to constantly seek approval from anyone within earshot.  Lord knows, I’m adopted, and that’s what I do.

2. Holding inappropriate conversations in public.

No one needs to hear how wasted you were last night, or what color your boyfriend’s boxers were on the night the two of you, um, “played Scrabble.” Keep your personal conversations personal. If you don’t want people to see you crying in line at the bank or while ordering a stuffed-crust pizza, refrain from having emotional conversations in public. Offer to call the person back, step outside, or find a quiet place where you can openly and unabashedly describe your new foot fungus.

3. Rudely interrupting conversations.

Have you ever felt the only way to maintain a conversation with the person right in front of you is to give them a call? Ever arrive at the climax of a hilarious story, only to have the momentum ruined by “Sorry, I gotta take this”? Why is the disembodied voice of someone else more important than the flesh and blood standing before you? It’s very frustrating to stand around waiting while your “friend,” date, or family member gets into a phone conversation on your time. When this happens, I recommend simply walking away. Even when you’re sitting in a restaurant, if your date would rather chat with someone else, then you should get up and leave immediately to find someone else. Or, as I mentioned earlier, call them on their other line. “Hey, how’s it going? How’s your sea bass? Isn’t the wine delicious?” If you can’t beat ‘em, call ‘em.

4. Checking your phone at the movies.

Movie theatre announcements and people who are quick to “shhhh” have done a decent job of reducing reducing cell phone rings over the years. But people are still checking their calls and text messaging rfiends, silently, but equally annoyingly. There’s a reason why we spend an arm and a leg to watch movies in the theatre. When the lights go out and the screen lights up, we try to forget our everyday troubles and we submerse ourselves into whatever the hell world we bought tickets for. We escape. But when out of the corner of our eyes we see someone’s entire face light up while they check their phone messages, we’re yanked right back to reality and are reminded of how many jerks per square foot there are in the world. Turn your phones off, have a little consideration for the people around you. The world won’t stop spinning if you’re unavailable for 2 hours. “But what if there’s an emergency?” The odds of an actual emergency occurring are astronomical. Besides, if there was an emergency, it already happened. You already weren’t there, and chances are the people who could actually do anything about it, already have.

5. Texting while driving.

Somebody please get the “Darwin Awards” on the phone. Of course, if you’re driving when you do, make sure you’re on hands free or have pulled over before you start explaining how there are people who send texts while behind the wheel of a vehicle. According to a Harvard University study, cell phones cause over 200 deaths and half a million injuries each year. And that’s with eyes on the road! Laws are in place to make sure people aren’t talking on their phones, and yet people are typing?!?! (I very rarely use the double question mark with the double exclamation point at the end of sentences, but this is ridiculous) I would love to see the tombstone: Was LOL when he WCTTFW (Went crashing through the freaking windshield) Anyone caught texting while driving should be stripped of their driving license forever.

6. Texting while talking.

You ever have someone try to listen to your story while text messaging someone else? You want to give them points for making the effort as they clumsily insert “oh yeahs” and “un huhs” at all the wrong moments, cutting you off mid-sentence with a “no way” as they furiously thumb type in your face, but at the same time you want to volleyball spike their phone to the ground for being unbelievably rude. A third option is tell better stories.

7. Texting small talk.

Does our friendship mean nothing? Have we become so lazy and disinterested in each other’s lives that we’re asking people to sum up their days with a text? “How r u?” “What’s up?” “What’s new?” These arbitrary questions are annoying enough when asked in person, but at least we have the ability to fire back equally insignificant responses in one second or less. But expecting people to waste their time typing “not bad, u?” or “same sh*t” or heaven forbid “let me tell you about my day” is about as lame and pointless as your appendix.

8. Loud and annoying ringtones.

I was riding the bus to work one morning, when out of nowhere the silence was shattered with screaming. It was the type of scream a frat boy lets out when a serial killer is in the process of gutting him with a fountain pen. I just about had a cardiac arrest and many of the people on the bus jumped out of their seats. It was only when the repetitive screaming suddenly tripled in volume that we all discovered the culprit: a cell phone. Some jerk pulled the phone out of his pocket, embarrassed at how loud it was, and accidentally dropped it on the bus floor. The joke now on him, the whole bus watched in amusement as this dude’s face grew redder and redder, scrambling to pick up and silence the screams coming from his phone. While there are far too many stupid ringtones out there to mention here, the story makes the point: turn down your stupid ringtone! No one thinks you’re clever, or funny, or musically savvy when you’re little pocket jukebox interrupts their thoughts. That guy on the bus probably thought his scream-tone was hysterical, but the looks on everyone else’s face read loud and clear: “What a douche bag!”

9. Disturbing live performances.

Comedy shows, concerts, plays etc…Nothing boils my blood more than having art ruined by a ringing cell phone. I nearly gave a security guard a standing ovation when he grabbed a gentleman by the collar and escorted him out of a Cirque du Soleil show for having his cell phone go off during a particularly dangerous acrobatic stunt. You ruin someone’s comedy act or interrupt an actor on stage, in turn spoiling the experience for everyone around you who’s spent their hard earned money on a night out, and you’re an arrogant douche-monkey who should be put in the corner with the rest of the 5 year olds. But when you disturb a performer who’s very life depends on needle-point focus and concentration, you should be put in jail.

10. Location location location

There are countless locations where “taking the call” is inappropriate and extremely annoying to those around you. The first two off the top of my head as the most frustrating are in libraries, and fast food restaurant lines. One of the last places on earth, aside from an empty church or your own bathroom, where people can go to read, think, and study in silence, is under attack by people who refuse to disconnect from the outside world. Does the word SSSSHHHHH mean nothing to you? Take the call outside, before someone throws “War and Peace” or Stephen King’s “It” at your head.

While ordering food, there’s no need to explain how annoying a phone call can be for both the restaurant staff and for the customers in line behind you. Check out how one Subway restaurant dealt with this problem. Again, if people are going to act like children we need to treat them like children. Well played Subway, well played.

Well the Technological messiah has finally arrived in Canada. Now we can get back to anticipating other things, like the Dark Knight, or the ability to watch the Dark Knight on your iPhone.

With the iPhone available and the grassroots consumer action which led to lowered fees, The iPhone will keep Apple afloat for at least another five years. At which point PCs will be tired of the fan boy arrogance and crush them with one quick swoop destroying hundreds of starbucks and graphic design schools.

So enjoy your iPhone. They are really cool.

Sources:

http://flickr.com/photos/jaapoost/2321527307/

http://flickr.com/photos/littera/353133292/

http://flickr.com/photos/shapeshift/352593346/

The limited edition handset is the perfect metaphor for Marvel Comic’s latest blockbusting superhero. It wraps the inventive, technologically savvy qualities of Tony Stark in the durable, sleek, red and gold armor of Iron Man. Sweet. LG Shine to the Rescue.

But as cool as the movie looks, with all due respect, I was never a huge Iron Man fan growing up. Rich dude flying around in a suit of armor? Fap fap fap. So I can’t help but wonder Why does HE get a phone in HIS honor, when there have been countless comic book butt-kickers who deserve it way more? Are there less juvenile, more serious issues to ponder in the world today? Definitely. Did I spend an afternoon matching my favorite comic book characters with their respective cell phone technology? Absolutely.

Dr. Octopus - iPhone

At the height of smart-phone technology, who better to operate the multi-touch interface screen of Apple’s iPhone than evil super-genius Dr. Otto Octavius?

When he’s not busy throwing tanks, activating nuclear reactors or beating up Spidey, Doc Oc can use his mentally-controlled, telescopic tentacles to check emails, download music, text message his girlfriend while updating his blog, all at the same time! We’ll call it the iiiiPhone.

Wolverine - RAZR

For obvious reasons Wolverine needs something sharp, virtually indestructible, and able to accommodate his short temper. When he’s finished dealing with some punk Rogers customer service rep, he needs a phone he can throw into an enemy’s jugular. A cellular ninja-star if you will. So what better than a RAZR?

Silver Surfer - Motorola Q (Silver)

Exiled on earth, the Silver Surfer needs his very own silver…surfer…to surf….the web…get it? ‘Cause the phone is silver, and he’s……oh man that was terrible! What am I doing with my life?! Have you ever actually “booed” yourself? I can’t even look at myself in the mirror after that one. Wow. I suck for just suggesting the Motorola Q. Kicks me in the balls next time you see me.

The Hulk - TA-838/PT

“Hulk wearing ripped purple pants. What you wearing?” My impression of the Hulk having phone sex everybody….No? Nothing? Tough crowd. Anyhow, it’s pretty hard to picture the giant green bundle of rage delicately tapping away on his Blackberry, especially since one finger could turn the phone into blackberry juice. And I can’t picture him about to launch an oil tanker into orbit, only to be interrupted by Rihanna’s Umbrella song muffling its way out of his left pocket, when he pulls out his flip phone to take the call: “Hello? Hulk busy. Send text.” The Hulk needs something bulky with big buttons, something with the ability to send and receive calls while surrounded by explosions and incoming missiles.

Nothing takes a beating like the TA-838/PT Military Field Telephone, and incidentally nothing dishes them out better either. In the hands of our angry green friend the TA-838 is perfect for clobbering bad guys, smashing them into the ground like hammering a nail. And for fashion purposes, the phone also matches his skin color!