Look, I love cell phones.  We all do.  They’re handy, they’re fun, and they help us ignore people who are right in front of us in favor of people who are farther away.  That said, I think we need to take a collective step back and realize what they’ve done to us.  In addition to the occasional texting thumb cramp, cell phones can mess us up, in part because they are everywhere.  Like any useful technology, cell phones are bound to have a dark side.  Take refrigerators, for example.  Sure, they keep our frozen waffles frosty, but sometimes they fall out of windows and crush people.  It’s the same with cell phones, kind of.  Here are the major ways cell phones can majorly screw us.

They Aid Drunk Dialing

We’ve all been there:  post-midnight, six drinks deep.  We’re full of courage, slurred syllables and opinions, and gosh darn it, we need those opinions to be heard!  (”I’m mad at you, Mitch!  I’m drunk!  I’m eating bread!”)  There was a time when the only people who would have been on the receiving end of our sauced-up verbal indiscretions were our buddies, our bartenders and/or our bloodshot reflections in the mirror.  These days, thanks to ever-present cell phones, passionately communicating our alcohol-inspired feelings (”Bread is delicious, Mitch!  You’re a jackass!”) is as easy as taking a deep breath, choking back the taste of vomit, and placing a few sloppy calls to an ex, a boss, or an ex’s boss.

Most of us, however, are lucky enough not to get our rant forever captured in cartoon form:

Likelihood it will happen to you:  Very high.

They Embarrass You In Public

Yeah, we know the etiquette, but it’s just not always possible to remember to switch the phone to silent before heading to the movies, or a live show, or a distant cousin’s funeral.  Sometimes you have other things to think about, like the fact that you left an embarrassing message chronicling your recent breakup and the subsequent rise in your Cool Ranch Dorito consumption on your ex’s voice mail last night.  When you do remember to turn the phone off, no one calls anyway.  It’s when you don’t remember that suddenly half your contact list calls, your phone barking inside your pocket like an electronic Chihuahua from hell.  (Which is a feeling, in addition to cerebral numbness, that only Paris Hilton should experience.)  When it happens to someone else, they’re an ill-socialized, inconsiderate jerk wad.  When you’re on the receiving end of the laser-beam eye rays of everyone trying to enjoy the concert, you…well, you still feel like an ill-socialized, inconsiderate jerk wad.

Hey, but you’re an even bigger jerk if you’re the performer himself interrupting the show:

Likelihood:  High, especially if you’re the type to drunk dial.  Drinkers aren’t necessarily the most considerate.

They Get Lost and Stolen

Remember the days when you used to have to memorize numbers?  Or look on the ratty, grease-splattered piece of paper taped up on the kitchen wall near the phone?  You probably don’t, but that’s how it was, once upon a time.  These days, most of us don’t even remember our own mother’s phone number.  If your phone gets lost or stolen, you’re screwed.  Not only have you lost all your contacts, but gone are your photos and videos, not to mention a little bit of your dignity.  Especially if the douche who stole your cell phone plans on uploading your risque pics and videos (It seemed like a good idea at the time, right?) to the internet.  Oh, there goes your reptuation, too.

Likelihood it will happen to you:  Average.

Likelihood your phone will end up swallowed by your dog:  Super high, if you’re this South African couple.

They Make Unwitting Upskirt Shots Easier

If you’re a girl who favors skirts, watch out.  There’s been a surge in this type of, ahem, photography, ever since the camera phone made its debut.  I’m all for a consensual upskirt shot (who isn’t?) but it’s the sneaky attempts at catching a glimpse that are downright creepy (not to mention illegal).  Before cell phones, snapping an upskirt shot meant carrying around a clunky old camera, happening upon the right place at the right time and maybe even adjusting the f-stop (depending on your level of artistry), during which you were likely to blow your cover.  Before camera phones, it wasn’t quite as easy to catch a woman unawares.  Now,  perving is just a flip and a click away.  Mini-skirt wearing school girls on the subway are more endangered than ever.

Likelihood it will happen to you:  Moderate, whether or not you dress moderately.

They Make Catching Upskirters Easier

If you’re a dude who favors upskirts, watch out.  Regular folk with cell phones can seek revenge, foiling your attempts at virtual tom-peepery.  Recently, a New York City man was arrested when a quick-thinking, skirt-wearing subway rider used her phone to take a picture of him, after he took a picture of her.  She e-mailed the photo to police and the pathetic chump was arrested on charges of attempted unlawful surveillance, attempted sexual abuse and harassment.  (Read the story here)

In fact, there’s an entire website dedicated to profiling subway harassers captured on cell phones here.

Likelihood it will happen to you:  Pretty high, you lech.

The FBI Can Use Them to Eavesdrop on You

So, it’s illegal for strangers to use cell phones to take photos of a lady’s nether regions, but the FBI can use cell phones to listen in on that lady’s conversations.  No, you haven’t just stepped into the pages of 1984.  This frighteningly Orwellian scenario happens here and now.  The FBI can remotely activate a cell phone’s microphone to eavesdrop on conversations, whether or not the phone is in use, or even powered on.  The technology is usually used to listen in on mobsters’ riveting conversations (”Yeah, I’m thinkin’ pepperoni.  Naw, I don’t like black olives.”), so unless you got some action with the Administration, you probably don’t have too much to worry about.  Because the phone needn’t be powered on to be used as a futuristic spy tool, though, the only way to be completely sure you’re not being tapped by the feds is to take out the battery.

Likelihood it will happen to you:  Slim.  Unless, of course, your nickname happens to be “Slim.”

They Get You Into Car Accidents

Chatting it up on cell phones while driving is dangerous, whether or not you’re planning hits with the mob.  All the stats on cell-phone related crashes aren’t in, but people think driving while on the phone is a serious enough problem to ban the practice in a lot of places.  The law has spoken:  We weren’t meant to operate heavy machinery while holding tiny technological devices to our ears at the same time.  If anything, we were meant to operate heavy machinery while applying mascara or dunking a scone in our double soy half-caf mocha frappuccino or trying to wrangle a sugar-high toddler back into the car seat.

Likelihood it will happen to you:  Hey, quit reading!  Eyes on the road!

We live in an age hell-bent on reliving the past.  Retro-dance clubs, retro-gaming, and retro-fashion are all huge right now, with the nostalgic decade of choice being the hair-spraying, sitcom soaring, crane-kicking, Zelda-saving ‘80s.  The key to pop-cultural popularity these days is as easy as mentioning the word “Transformer” or by impersonating a wookiee (just ask the writers for Family Guy or Dane Cook).

I recently discovered a retro movement which had me laughing as hard as the time I watched a rerun of Miami Vice (insert Family Guy flashback here).  Cell phones from the ‘80s and beyond have become extremely popular, with websites like Retrobrick and Retrophone selling more than 500 ancient clunkers a month!  Classics like the 1983, Motorola DynaTAC 8000X (first commercial cell phone eva!) have become sought after collector items, Bluetooth technology is being installed in old-school handsets, and even Apple’s iPhone is riding the retro train by introducing the new “rotary phone” application for dialing addicts everywhere.

So my big question is this: why on earth is this happening?  With technology racing towards smaller and faster, why would anyone yearn for the chunkier and slower?  Sure it’s fun to revisit those old 2D videogames, or to tease the living crap out of your bangs, but to lug around a portable phone in need of a battery pack? C’mon people!  Here are 5 reasons why retro phones should be left where they belong:  in Optimus Prime’s helmet.

1.  They look ridiculous

It doesn’t matter how cool you think you look, a giant DynaTAC stuck to your face makes you look like a giant tool.  How are women expected to lug these Frankenphones around when all the space in their purses are taken up by Princess the poodle?  Like carrying a microwave on your shoulder, this great-grandfather of portable phones should remain behind glass in a museum, where it can’t dislocate any shoulders or transform anyone’s brain into soup.

2.  Retro phones ain’t got shit

We’ve got GPS, MP3, photos, videos, videogames, calendars, phone books, text messaging, internet, internet porn, calculators, captured celebrities spewing racism, internet porn.  Going retro with your cell phone is like trading in your plasma screen, Blu-Ray, home theatre system for a Kinetoscope!

3.  They are pains in the neck

During my investigation I was surprised to discover a ridiculous invention called the “Retro Phone Handset.” Laughing in the faces of Bluetooth and convenient hands-free earbuds,  a horrific marriage has taken place between old and new technology. You can now attach a replica of the Western Electric 500-series model handset to your cell phone, whenever you need to go hands-free.  Silly humans.  How easily we forget the neck cramps involved in stirring linguini noodles while balancing those old receivers between our skulls and our clavicles.  Do the words “I have to go now Sarah, my head is stuck to my shoulder” ring a bell?  A loud, annoying bell, that should have been replaced with a funky ringtone years ago?

To make things even worse, the geeks over at ThinkGeek.com have taken a lame concept and have poured extra lame all over it.  To their credit they removed the spiral phone cord, giving the retro handset user the freedom to roam unhindered.  Much to their discredit however, a quote from their website proves that they are indeed geeks through and through, and their motives in creating the handset remain far from helping the user look any cooler.

“We have taken the ever-popular Retro Handset and updated it to connect to your cell phone using Bluetooth technology. That’s right! No more tangled up phone cord. Now people will think you’re really crazy talking into an old-time handset connected to… nothing.”  For that “really crazy” look that’s really hot right now, this is just what we were looking for.  Get out of our heads ThinkGeeks!

4.  Dialing is for suckers

iRetrophone is an application software which gives iPhone users the chance to remember just how long and frustrating dialing phone numbers used to be.  More paradox anyone?  They’ve completely eliminated the physical strain of having to actually “push” buttons, only to revert right back to the dark ages when anyone who had more than three 9s in their phone number was considered an asshole.  What’s next iPhone, the Smoke Signal application?

5. I’ll let this commercial speak for itself

There are certain moments in time which are better left forgotten, and this 1989 jeep ride is definitely one of them.  The biggest laugh of all is that these phones cost nearly $3,000 at the time!  I can tolerate retro music, fashion, hell even retro graphics can still be endearing, but when it comes to retro cell phone technology all I can say is “Hey, the 1980s are on the phone, and even THEY want to upgrade!”

Just when we feel comfortable enough to say “wow, cell phones have really changed the way we operate,” things get even weirder. Here are 10 facts about cells from around the world that show the scale and style of our contemporary global use; sometimes for bad, but sometimes for real, cool, innovative good.

1. There Are LOTS of Them

There are half as many active cell phones on the planet as there are people. When you think of the general wealth distribution across the planet, it’s pretty remarkable to have over 3.3 billion active mobiles. Then again, Luxembourg’s mobile phone penetration rate is 158%. Yep - that’s 158 active cell phones for every 100 people.

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2. And They Make a Mess

125+ million phones are discarded every year. Given the rate at which people go through cell phones (Koreans replace on average every 11 months), it’s easy to see how the environmental side can get out of control. At least there’s gold in the garbage! Yarr.

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3. M-Voting in Estonia

While the 2008 US election is abuzz with web penetration, E-stonia’s been leading the global technopolitical charge. As Lithuania books a seat on the e-voting (online voting) train, Estonia’s letting mobile phones both act as a convenient vote delivery platform, but also a personal identity confirmation, ushering in a new era of what is being called “m-voting”.

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4. Koreans Love to Text Message. Seriously.

Korean teenagers between 15 and 19 years of age send well over 20,000 text messages a year, on average (60.1 texts per day). I don’t care how fast StarCraft has made your fingers - that’s a lot of time that could have been spent… I dunno… talking to people. According to the Korea Times in February 2006, “over 30% of South Korean students send 100 text messages a day”.

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5. The First Cell Phone Came Out in 1983

Well, at least, the first to get FCC acceptance. It was called the Motorola DynaTAC 8000X. Before you lolz at the cheesebag name, wait until you hear what it stands for: Dynamic Adaptive Total Area Coverage. Kinda endearing, I guess. They sound… proud.

6. Cell Phone… Or Flashlight?

Lost power? Sneaking back into bed? According to a Sprint survey, just under two-thirds of cell phone users use the backlight as a flashlight. A testament to human ingenuity! I guess it’s obvious, in a way. And here I thought I was being clever.

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7. You Can Get Stuffed Into a Locker Through Your Phone

Ok, not really, but apparently text message bullying is on the rise in England. As an online anti-cyber-bullying guide explains, text message bullying allows for abuse around the clock. You want to pick on some kid, he’s available 24/7. It’s like those massive Blackberry ads at airports that boast that you now never have to leave the office. Bullying has never been more efficient!

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8. Cell Phones Can Help Stop Nuclear Terrorism

Using solid-state radiation sensors, researchers at Purdue University are working to allow network of properly set up cell phones to track the presence of radioactive material. Since likely targets for terrorist attacks are major urban centers, and since most people have cell phones, this system could help collectively find out where the problem lies.

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9. Used for National Disaster Response

Mobiles are more useful during an emergency than just for calling loved ones. Other countries have adopted systems whereby phone companies automatically warn citizens of emergencies/disasters - free of charge. Finland, in 2005, adopted such a system, as did Japan.

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10. Half of Japan’s Top Fiction Was Written on Mobile Phones

Absolutely nuts. Turning the publishing industry on its head, this trend’s subscriber models are thriving and making significant money for aspiring writers, in turn fueling the phenomenon. Authors tend to be young women sharing fictionalized aspects of their lives. Five of the top ten works of fiction in 2007 were written on mobile phones. Japan, you never cease to amaze me.

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Looking back on the 1966-69 Star Trek television series it becomes clear that Gene Roddenberry’s imagination was light years ahead of his time. Alright, well maybe a little closer to 40 years ahead of his time, but many of his technological fantasies have come to life and surround us every day. We might not be able to beam our sexy selves from one location to another or to regenerate our kidneys with a blue pill, but the infamous communicator is a prime example of this sci-fi meets real world phenomenon, manifested today in flip top cell phones. So, which one is sexier?

Okay, so maybe aesthetically speaking today’s phone wins the beauty pageant, but upon further investigation is becomes clear that it’s not how it looks, but how you use it that matters. Despite the clunky, primitive look of his communicator, no one flips open a phone like Captain James T. Kirk. Not only did it allow Kirk to keep in touch with his ship and crew, but whenever he suffered from inter-galactic snack attack he could use the flip top to grate cheese.

Notice the circular display screen at the center. Once in motion, the spider-esque pattern spirals outward, generating endless circles which could easily hypnotize the untrained eye. Always one step ahead, Captain Kirk never stared directly into the communicator when he used it.

Today’s cell phones may be sleeker, more colorful, more versatile, far surpassing Roddenberry’s predictions for the 23rd century, but what’s crucial to note is that you’ll never get a date flipping open your phone like this:

He may not have been able to take planetary pictures, watch Romulan music videos or send nasty text messages to the Klingons, but Kirk knew his way around a phone. He kept his flips simple, and the results speak for themselves: