10 – Cell Phone Charm

    Arguably a modern equivalent to the old fashioned key ring, these potential choking hazards seem to be becoming ubiquitous among those of a certain age. They usually consist of injection molded plastic shaped into objects that range from tacky all the way through to downright awful. There exists such a huge range of these inappropriately named items that this writer can only assume that there are people out there who have attached so many that a rucksack is required to carry them all. The picture shows a cell phone charm in the shape of a phone. Trying to conceive of a reason for the existence of such a product is probably best left to the philosophers.

9 – iPhone Telescope

    The advent of cell phone cameras has turned us all into budding paparazzi, so it should come as no suprise that the immense accessory production capacity of the People’s Republic of China should be turned towards lenses. The iPhone Telescope seeks to improve the admittedly sub-par iPhone camera by attaching a frankly ridiculous looking lens. It requires you first put your iPhone into a plastic case, restricting access to the side buttons of the phone. If you are so audacious as to actually attempt to take a photo using this lens, you’ll find the lack of image stabilization will likely result in a blurry impressionist mess on the screen. Ultimately this product is only marginally more useful than buying $20 of cell phone charms.

8 – LUCY Noise Free Throat Microphone

    Existing somewhere between Blade Runner and Star Trek, the LUCY Noise Free Throat Microphone is a “total solution” to “communication noise intrusion problems”. This product could certainly be useful in workplaces with a lot of background noise, such as when under attack by the Klingons.

7 – Bluetooth Bracelet

    This gadget, shown in a rather charming pink, vibrates and displays the name or number of a caller on an OLED screen when a call is received. Probably the only genuinely useful product on this list. While this may seem like a strange product at first, imagine the alternative applications of this technology away from bracelets. As cell phones become more general purpose appliances, the number of uses for a device like this increases exponentially. Imagine a device like this sewn into the sleeve of a shirt, wearable computing is said to be a growing technology and this is surely a forerunner.

6 – Flash Pet Tree

    Pioneering a new era of mobile horticulture, the Flash Pet Tree is a jar that combines the flashing function of some cell phone charms with the unparalleled excitement of watching a plant grow. Slowly. The perplexing thing about this product is the sheer pointlessness of it. The futility of a plant in a hermetically sealed container is almost enough to cause an existential crisis for this writer, which is not something one wishes to occur on receipt of a phone call. The sales website promises ‘the fun of raising plants, the scents of joy’ as well as to ‘help busy people of our times be in touch with nature’. Indeed.

5 – Antenna Booster

    As we hurtle into a future increasingly reliant on technology, it is interesting to note that certain concepts evolve and progress with us. Snake oil has existed since at least the 1880s. In it’s original form snake oil was exactly that – a supposedly beneficial oil allegedly extracted from snakes. Between then and now snake oil has taken on a variety of forms, be they tonics, pills or gases the concept remains the same. So it is today with technology, mysterious little gadgets and doodads are offered for suspiciously low prices in conspicuously high volumes. The Antenna Booster is snake oil plain and simple, a small piece of plastic and metal that slots in behind your phone battery and harmonizes the magnetic resonance of the Thirteen Ghosts of Scooby Doo to make your phone work better. All for $5, for a pack of two!

4 – Anti-Stress PU Phone Seat

    Concerned that your phone might be feeling a little stressed out? Want to give it a chance to just kick back and relax for a bit? The Anti-Stress PU Phone Seat is the accessory for you! A soft foam seat with an “anti-stress function”, ideal for allowing your phone to recover after a long phone call or particularly complicated text message. Remember, stress is the leading cause of low battery in many cell phones so be sure to give yours a break every now and then!

3 – Mobile Flashlight

    Obviously attentive to the fact that most of us at some time or another have used our cell phones as flashlights, the makers of the Mobile Flashlight (compared to those immobile flashlights?) have jumped in to ensure that we no longer waste our cell batteries on such trivial issues. By simply attaching a bulky bit of plastic with some LEDs to your phone, you too can vanquish the darkness! If there is anyone out there that would destroy the form factor and aesthetics of their phone to use something like this, this writer would love to hear from them. Preferably with pictures of one of these attached to an iPhone.

2 – Protector

    I think we all remember this one. The debates, the arguments, the news reports. There was a time not too long ago when these things were on sale everywhere, it seems they fell out of favor though, and can now usually be found lurking around discount stores, near their brothers the Antenna Boosters. It is scientific fact that if you install an Antenna Booster and a radiation protector in the same phone, you gain direct access to the minds of gods. An unstoppable force collides with an immovable object, the wolf dwells with the lamb and nothing is ever the same.

1 – HOT Vision Video Goggles

    Surely a front runner in the “Most Likely to Cause Severe Retinal Damage” awards, this device claims to simulate a virtual 50 inch screen by placing tiny screens very close to the user’s eyes. Theoretically a solution to the irritation of watching video on a small cell phone screen, the inclusion of headphones apparently allows for some serious immersion. This writer anticipates a future in which public transport is full of people wearing these, each immersed in their own private world. But lets face it, the real appeal of these is the opportunity to impersonate Geordi LaForge.

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