Hello, I’m a communications graduate/comedy writer/ performer extraordinaire. Communicating is my life, and the shinier the tools to help me do so the better. As a standup comic I have a special relationship with the ever-evolving world of mobile communication technology, specifically those I am constantly telling people to “turn off”. I often feel like a hypocrite because I hate the gadgets when they disturb live performances, but I get annoyed with people when they disturb me from using the gadgets. It’s a love/hate thing I guess, but when you’re reading my blog, please turn off your cell phone.

We live in an age hell-bent on reliving the past.  Retro-dance clubs, retro-gaming, and retro-fashion are all huge right now, with the nostalgic decade of choice being the hair-spraying, sitcom soaring, crane-kicking, Zelda-saving ‘80s.  The key to pop-cultural popularity these days is as easy as mentioning the word “Transformer” or by impersonating a wookiee (just ask the writers for Family Guy or Dane Cook).

I recently discovered a retro movement which had me laughing as hard as the time I watched a rerun of Miami Vice (insert Family Guy flashback here).  Cell phones from the ‘80s and beyond have become extremely popular, with websites like Retrobrick and Retrophone selling more than 500 ancient clunkers a month!  Classics like the 1983, Motorola DynaTAC 8000X (first commercial cell phone eva!) have become sought after collector items, Bluetooth technology is being installed in old-school handsets, and even Apple’s iPhone is riding the retro train by introducing the new “rotary phone” application for dialing addicts everywhere.

So my big question is this: why on earth is this happening?  With technology racing towards smaller and faster, why would anyone yearn for the chunkier and slower?  Sure it’s fun to revisit those old 2D videogames, or to tease the living crap out of your bangs, but to lug around a portable phone in need of a battery pack? C’mon people!  Here are 5 reasons why retro phones should be left where they belong:  in Optimus Prime’s helmet.

1.  They look ridiculous

It doesn’t matter how cool you think you look, a giant DynaTAC stuck to your face makes you look like a giant tool.  How are women expected to lug these Frankenphones around when all the space in their purses are taken up by Princess the poodle?  Like carrying a microwave on your shoulder, this great-grandfather of portable phones should remain behind glass in a museum, where it can’t dislocate any shoulders or transform anyone’s brain into soup.

2.  Retro phones ain’t got shit

We’ve got GPS, MP3, photos, videos, videogames, calendars, phone books, text messaging, internet, internet porn, calculators, captured celebrities spewing racism, internet porn.  Going retro with your cell phone is like trading in your plasma screen, Blu-Ray, home theatre system for a Kinetoscope!

3.  They are pains in the neck

During my investigation I was surprised to discover a ridiculous invention called the “Retro Phone Handset.” Laughing in the faces of Bluetooth and convenient hands-free earbuds,  a horrific marriage has taken place between old and new technology. You can now attach a replica of the Western Electric 500-series model handset to your cell phone, whenever you need to go hands-free.  Silly humans.  How easily we forget the neck cramps involved in stirring linguini noodles while balancing those old receivers between our skulls and our clavicles.  Do the words “I have to go now Sarah, my head is stuck to my shoulder” ring a bell?  A loud, annoying bell, that should have been replaced with a funky ringtone years ago?

To make things even worse, the geeks over at ThinkGeek.com have taken a lame concept and have poured extra lame all over it.  To their credit they removed the spiral phone cord, giving the retro handset user the freedom to roam unhindered.  Much to their discredit however, a quote from their website proves that they are indeed geeks through and through, and their motives in creating the handset remain far from helping the user look any cooler.

“We have taken the ever-popular Retro Handset and updated it to connect to your cell phone using Bluetooth technology. That’s right! No more tangled up phone cord. Now people will think you’re really crazy talking into an old-time handset connected to… nothing.”  For that “really crazy” look that’s really hot right now, this is just what we were looking for.  Get out of our heads ThinkGeeks!

4.  Dialing is for suckers

iRetrophone is an application software which gives iPhone users the chance to remember just how long and frustrating dialing phone numbers used to be.  More paradox anyone?  They’ve completely eliminated the physical strain of having to actually “push” buttons, only to revert right back to the dark ages when anyone who had more than three 9s in their phone number was considered an asshole.  What’s next iPhone, the Smoke Signal application?

5. I’ll let this commercial speak for itself

There are certain moments in time which are better left forgotten, and this 1989 jeep ride is definitely one of them.  The biggest laugh of all is that these phones cost nearly $3,000 at the time!  I can tolerate retro music, fashion, hell even retro graphics can still be endearing, but when it comes to retro cell phone technology all I can say is “Hey, the 1980s are on the phone, and even THEY want to upgrade!”

Do we really still need to talk about this? You’d think with over a decade of experience under our belts along with our inherent delusions of hyper sophistication that we’d have figured things out by now. But the sad truth remains: cell-phone douche-baggery is worse than ever! In terms of maturity levels, many of us rank amongst toddlers, interrupting anyone and anything with our loud nonsense, our little fingers obsessively pushing buttons with what’s left of our attention spans constantly distracted by various bells, whistles, and bright colors on tiny screens. This ridiculous need to be in touch with all people at all times is getting out of hand, and while we think we are staying more connected with each other, we are in fact treating those closest to us like China treated the Mongols. We’re building giant walls people! The following are basic cell phone rules of etiquette which people still can’t seem to follow. In fact, they should be called “How to use your common sense and remain polite in a human society.” Read them, learn them, and absorb them into your system as you would the vitamins from a mango smoothie.

1. Talking too loudly.

“YES! FOR THE LOVE OF BABY JESUS, WE CAN HEAR YOU NOW!” For some bizarre reason people feel the need to raise their voices while on their phones. I think we’ve come far enough, technologically speaking, to trust the phone’s microphone to adequately amplify and carry your voice. Your mouth couldn’t physically be any closer to the microphone, so unless you’re talking into it from a Captain Kirk distance or calling in an airstrike while under heavy machine gun fire, there’s no need to yell. Hell, even Kirk never raised his voice and he was communicating with an alcoholic Scotsman on a space ship!

Note: There are attention-seekers out there who speak loudly on purpose to “show off” recent accomplishments and victories to impress surrounding strangers. Do not hate on them too much, they were probably adopted and are cursed to constantly seek approval from anyone within earshot.  Lord knows, I’m adopted, and that’s what I do.

2. Holding inappropriate conversations in public.

No one needs to hear how wasted you were last night, or what color your boyfriend’s boxers were on the night the two of you, um, “played Scrabble.” Keep your personal conversations personal. If you don’t want people to see you crying in line at the bank or while ordering a stuffed-crust pizza, refrain from having emotional conversations in public. Offer to call the person back, step outside, or find a quiet place where you can openly and unabashedly describe your new foot fungus.

3. Rudely interrupting conversations.

Have you ever felt the only way to maintain a conversation with the person right in front of you is to give them a call? Ever arrive at the climax of a hilarious story, only to have the momentum ruined by “Sorry, I gotta take this”? Why is the disembodied voice of someone else more important than the flesh and blood standing before you? It’s very frustrating to stand around waiting while your “friend,” date, or family member gets into a phone conversation on your time. When this happens, I recommend simply walking away. Even when you’re sitting in a restaurant, if your date would rather chat with someone else, then you should get up and leave immediately to find someone else. Or, as I mentioned earlier, call them on their other line. “Hey, how’s it going? How’s your sea bass? Isn’t the wine delicious?” If you can’t beat ‘em, call ‘em.

4. Checking your phone at the movies.

Movie theatre announcements and people who are quick to “shhhh” have done a decent job of reducing reducing cell phone rings over the years. But people are still checking their calls and text messaging rfiends, silently, but equally annoyingly. There’s a reason why we spend an arm and a leg to watch movies in the theatre. When the lights go out and the screen lights up, we try to forget our everyday troubles and we submerse ourselves into whatever the hell world we bought tickets for. We escape. But when out of the corner of our eyes we see someone’s entire face light up while they check their phone messages, we’re yanked right back to reality and are reminded of how many jerks per square foot there are in the world. Turn your phones off, have a little consideration for the people around you. The world won’t stop spinning if you’re unavailable for 2 hours. “But what if there’s an emergency?” The odds of an actual emergency occurring are astronomical. Besides, if there was an emergency, it already happened. You already weren’t there, and chances are the people who could actually do anything about it, already have.

5. Texting while driving.

Somebody please get the “Darwin Awards” on the phone. Of course, if you’re driving when you do, make sure you’re on hands free or have pulled over before you start explaining how there are people who send texts while behind the wheel of a vehicle. According to a Harvard University study, cell phones cause over 200 deaths and half a million injuries each year. And that’s with eyes on the road! Laws are in place to make sure people aren’t talking on their phones, and yet people are typing?!?! (I very rarely use the double question mark with the double exclamation point at the end of sentences, but this is ridiculous) I would love to see the tombstone: Was LOL when he WCTTFW (Went crashing through the freaking windshield) Anyone caught texting while driving should be stripped of their driving license forever.

6. Texting while talking.

You ever have someone try to listen to your story while text messaging someone else? You want to give them points for making the effort as they clumsily insert “oh yeahs” and “un huhs” at all the wrong moments, cutting you off mid-sentence with a “no way” as they furiously thumb type in your face, but at the same time you want to volleyball spike their phone to the ground for being unbelievably rude. A third option is tell better stories.

7. Texting small talk.

Does our friendship mean nothing? Have we become so lazy and disinterested in each other’s lives that we’re asking people to sum up their days with a text? “How r u?” “What’s up?” “What’s new?” These arbitrary questions are annoying enough when asked in person, but at least we have the ability to fire back equally insignificant responses in one second or less. But expecting people to waste their time typing “not bad, u?” or “same sh*t” or heaven forbid “let me tell you about my day” is about as lame and pointless as your appendix.

8. Loud and annoying ringtones.

I was riding the bus to work one morning, when out of nowhere the silence was shattered with screaming. It was the type of scream a frat boy lets out when a serial killer is in the process of gutting him with a fountain pen. I just about had a cardiac arrest and many of the people on the bus jumped out of their seats. It was only when the repetitive screaming suddenly tripled in volume that we all discovered the culprit: a cell phone. Some jerk pulled the phone out of his pocket, embarrassed at how loud it was, and accidentally dropped it on the bus floor. The joke now on him, the whole bus watched in amusement as this dude’s face grew redder and redder, scrambling to pick up and silence the screams coming from his phone. While there are far too many stupid ringtones out there to mention here, the story makes the point: turn down your stupid ringtone! No one thinks you’re clever, or funny, or musically savvy when you’re little pocket jukebox interrupts their thoughts. That guy on the bus probably thought his scream-tone was hysterical, but the looks on everyone else’s face read loud and clear: “What a douche bag!”

9. Disturbing live performances.

Comedy shows, concerts, plays etc…Nothing boils my blood more than having art ruined by a ringing cell phone. I nearly gave a security guard a standing ovation when he grabbed a gentleman by the collar and escorted him out of a Cirque du Soleil show for having his cell phone go off during a particularly dangerous acrobatic stunt. You ruin someone’s comedy act or interrupt an actor on stage, in turn spoiling the experience for everyone around you who’s spent their hard earned money on a night out, and you’re an arrogant douche-monkey who should be put in the corner with the rest of the 5 year olds. But when you disturb a performer who’s very life depends on needle-point focus and concentration, you should be put in jail.

10. Location location location

There are countless locations where “taking the call” is inappropriate and extremely annoying to those around you. The first two off the top of my head as the most frustrating are in libraries, and fast food restaurant lines. One of the last places on earth, aside from an empty church or your own bathroom, where people can go to read, think, and study in silence, is under attack by people who refuse to disconnect from the outside world. Does the word SSSSHHHHH mean nothing to you? Take the call outside, before someone throws “War and Peace” or Stephen King’s “It” at your head.

While ordering food, there’s no need to explain how annoying a phone call can be for both the restaurant staff and for the customers in line behind you. Check out how one Subway restaurant dealt with this problem. Again, if people are going to act like children we need to treat them like children. Well played Subway, well played.

Looking back on the 1966-69 Star Trek television series it becomes clear that Gene Roddenberry’s imagination was light years ahead of his time. Alright, well maybe a little closer to 40 years ahead of his time, but many of his technological fantasies have come to life and surround us every day. We might not be able to beam our sexy selves from one location to another or to regenerate our kidneys with a blue pill, but the infamous communicator is a prime example of this sci-fi meets real world phenomenon, manifested today in flip top cell phones. So, which one is sexier?

Okay, so maybe aesthetically speaking today’s phone wins the beauty pageant, but upon further investigation is becomes clear that it’s not how it looks, but how you use it that matters. Despite the clunky, primitive look of his communicator, no one flips open a phone like Captain James T. Kirk. Not only did it allow Kirk to keep in touch with his ship and crew, but whenever he suffered from inter-galactic snack attack he could use the flip top to grate cheese.

Notice the circular display screen at the center. Once in motion, the spider-esque pattern spirals outward, generating endless circles which could easily hypnotize the untrained eye. Always one step ahead, Captain Kirk never stared directly into the communicator when he used it.

Today’s cell phones may be sleeker, more colorful, more versatile, far surpassing Roddenberry’s predictions for the 23rd century, but what’s crucial to note is that you’ll never get a date flipping open your phone like this:

He may not have been able to take planetary pictures, watch Romulan music videos or send nasty text messages to the Klingons, but Kirk knew his way around a phone. He kept his flips simple, and the results speak for themselves:

Motorola (popular for their RAZR and PEBL) recently announced that they were quitting the mobile phones industry to reorient their strategy towards network systems. (We may guess that it is because they lost their market to more innovative companies such as Apple with their iPhone).

Personally, I don’t find that there was a huge evolution between the first RAZR they introduced in 2004 and their recent models. Research and development is extremely critical in the telecommunications industry.

Nevertheless, we can give to Motorola that their designs are cool. Several buyers are counting on these slick fashion items. A cellphone like the Motorola PEBL is really beautiful and smooth. The unique slide-to-open magnetic brings a great feature: it feels that the phone opens by itself. Users of the RAZR would love this model too: they would already be comfortable with the keypad, which is the same on the two models, and the weight is roughly the same (100g).

Maria Sharapova and PEBL are synonyms for “classy”