We live in an age hell-bent on reliving the past.  Retro-dance clubs, retro-gaming, and retro-fashion are all huge right now, with the nostalgic decade of choice being the hair-spraying, sitcom soaring, crane-kicking, Zelda-saving ‘80s.  The key to pop-cultural popularity these days is as easy as mentioning the word “Transformer” or by impersonating a wookiee (just ask the writers for Family Guy or Dane Cook).

I recently discovered a retro movement which had me laughing as hard as the time I watched a rerun of Miami Vice (insert Family Guy flashback here).  Cell phones from the ‘80s and beyond have become extremely popular, with websites like Retrobrick and Retrophone selling more than 500 ancient clunkers a month!  Classics like the 1983, Motorola DynaTAC 8000X (first commercial cell phone eva!) have become sought after collector items, Bluetooth technology is being installed in old-school handsets, and even Apple’s iPhone is riding the retro train by introducing the new “rotary phone” application for dialing addicts everywhere.

So my big question is this: why on earth is this happening?  With technology racing towards smaller and faster, why would anyone yearn for the chunkier and slower?  Sure it’s fun to revisit those old 2D videogames, or to tease the living crap out of your bangs, but to lug around a portable phone in need of a battery pack? C’mon people!  Here are 5 reasons why retro phones should be left where they belong:  in Optimus Prime’s helmet.

1.  They look ridiculous

It doesn’t matter how cool you think you look, a giant DynaTAC stuck to your face makes you look like a giant tool.  How are women expected to lug these Frankenphones around when all the space in their purses are taken up by Princess the poodle?  Like carrying a microwave on your shoulder, this great-grandfather of portable phones should remain behind glass in a museum, where it can’t dislocate any shoulders or transform anyone’s brain into soup.

2.  Retro phones ain’t got shit

We’ve got GPS, MP3, photos, videos, videogames, calendars, phone books, text messaging, internet, internet porn, calculators, captured celebrities spewing racism, internet porn.  Going retro with your cell phone is like trading in your plasma screen, Blu-Ray, home theatre system for a Kinetoscope!

3.  They are pains in the neck

During my investigation I was surprised to discover a ridiculous invention called the “Retro Phone Handset.” Laughing in the faces of Bluetooth and convenient hands-free earbuds,  a horrific marriage has taken place between old and new technology. You can now attach a replica of the Western Electric 500-series model handset to your cell phone, whenever you need to go hands-free.  Silly humans.  How easily we forget the neck cramps involved in stirring linguini noodles while balancing those old receivers between our skulls and our clavicles.  Do the words “I have to go now Sarah, my head is stuck to my shoulder” ring a bell?  A loud, annoying bell, that should have been replaced with a funky ringtone years ago?

To make things even worse, the geeks over at ThinkGeek.com have taken a lame concept and have poured extra lame all over it.  To their credit they removed the spiral phone cord, giving the retro handset user the freedom to roam unhindered.  Much to their discredit however, a quote from their website proves that they are indeed geeks through and through, and their motives in creating the handset remain far from helping the user look any cooler.

“We have taken the ever-popular Retro Handset and updated it to connect to your cell phone using Bluetooth technology. That’s right! No more tangled up phone cord. Now people will think you’re really crazy talking into an old-time handset connected to… nothing.”  For that “really crazy” look that’s really hot right now, this is just what we were looking for.  Get out of our heads ThinkGeeks!

4.  Dialing is for suckers

iRetrophone is an application software which gives iPhone users the chance to remember just how long and frustrating dialing phone numbers used to be.  More paradox anyone?  They’ve completely eliminated the physical strain of having to actually “push” buttons, only to revert right back to the dark ages when anyone who had more than three 9s in their phone number was considered an asshole.  What’s next iPhone, the Smoke Signal application?

5. I’ll let this commercial speak for itself

There are certain moments in time which are better left forgotten, and this 1989 jeep ride is definitely one of them.  The biggest laugh of all is that these phones cost nearly $3,000 at the time!  I can tolerate retro music, fashion, hell even retro graphics can still be endearing, but when it comes to retro cell phone technology all I can say is “Hey, the 1980s are on the phone, and even THEY want to upgrade!”