Power failures and flying beer bottles aside, there is nothing more distracting than having someone’s cell phone go off during a live performance. If the technology was brand new I could forgive the forgetfulness, but it has been decades people! For the love of baby Jesus turn off your phones! Especially when your ring tone is a stupid song about a stupid umbrella, ella ella…a…Aarrgghh! Makes me want to flush your hand-held jukebox down the toilet. Don’t get me wrong, I love my phone, I appreciate its usefulness, it’s practically an extension of my body at this point, but I know when and where to use it without looking like a douche bag.

As a stand up comic I’ve had countless jokes ruined by cell phones, so I did some research (and by research I mean checked out youtube) to see how others have dealt with them. What I discovered was hysterical. The following is a collection of videos demonstrating how cells have poked their little heads into all forms of public communication, and some of the most creative methods I’ve seen to handle the situation. Enjoy!

Method #1 I like to remind folks in advance. You are not in your living rooms, we can see you!

The most annoying audience members are often the ones who aren’t there.

Method #2 Embarrass the hell out the callee by bringing the caller on stage.

Method #3 Or even better, bring the stage to the them!

So captain awkward, what happens when your phone is the one spoiling the party?

Method #4 Gain sympathy, say “I love you”. (NOTE: May not salvage a sound-byte-driven, fear-mongering, and utterly failure-driven campaign for the American Presidency)

Method #5 Be a priest. Who’s gonna tell you off?

Method #6 Be smooth.

Method #7 Usually the opposite of smooth is rough, but in these cases the opposite of smooth is CRAZY.

I used to work in a crappy restaurant where you could get fired for answering your phone on the job. How the hell are these “professionals” still employed?

Method #8 Dance like an idiot to your own ring tone then answer the call on national television.

We traveled far and wide in search for answers to the timeless philosophical query, “How do you like them Apples?” What we discovered was horrifying, and many of us who set out were never to be seen again. But amidst a gruesome trail of mutilated iPhones, iPods, iMacs, and iBooks, we found our answers.

iBook, RIP

Good old fashioned book burning.

Look for Ray Bradbury’s upcoming bestseller, Fahrenheit 491

Rage against the machine! Many iBooks were injured in the filming of this next video.

iMac, RIP

This driver failed to notice the “iMac Crossing” sign on the side of the road

“I REGRET NOTHIiiinnnggg!!!!!”

iPod, RIP

The following contains scenes which may be disturbing to some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised.

iPhone, RIP

Battered, beaten and blended.