Look, I love cell phones.  We all do.  They’re handy, they’re fun, and they help us ignore people who are right in front of us in favor of people who are farther away.  That said, I think we need to take a collective step back and realize what they’ve done to us.  In addition to the occasional texting thumb cramp, cell phones can mess us up, in part because they are everywhere.  Like any useful technology, cell phones are bound to have a dark side.  Take refrigerators, for example.  Sure, they keep our frozen waffles frosty, but sometimes they fall out of windows and crush people.  It’s the same with cell phones, kind of.  Here are the major ways cell phones can majorly screw us.

They Aid Drunk Dialing

We’ve all been there:  post-midnight, six drinks deep.  We’re full of courage, slurred syllables and opinions, and gosh darn it, we need those opinions to be heard!  (“I’m mad at you, Mitch!  I’m drunk!  I’m eating bread!”)  There was a time when the only people who would have been on the receiving end of our sauced-up verbal indiscretions were our buddies, our bartenders and/or our bloodshot reflections in the mirror.  These days, thanks to ever-present cell phones, passionately communicating our alcohol-inspired feelings (“Bread is delicious, Mitch!  You’re a jackass!”) is as easy as taking a deep breath, choking back the taste of vomit, and placing a few sloppy calls to an ex, a boss, or an ex’s boss.

Most of us, however, are lucky enough not to get our rant forever captured in cartoon form:

Likelihood it will happen to you:  Very high.

They Embarrass You In Public

Yeah, we know the etiquette, but it’s just not always possible to remember to switch the phone to silent before heading to the movies, or a live show, or a distant cousin’s funeral.  Sometimes you have other things to think about, like the fact that you left an embarrassing message chronicling your recent breakup and the subsequent rise in your Cool Ranch Dorito consumption on your ex’s voice mail last night.  When you do remember to turn the phone off, no one calls anyway.  It’s when you don’t remember that suddenly half your contact list calls, your phone barking inside your pocket like an electronic Chihuahua from hell.  (Which is a feeling, in addition to cerebral numbness, that only Paris Hilton should experience.)  When it happens to someone else, they’re an ill-socialized, inconsiderate jerk wad.  When you’re on the receiving end of the laser-beam eye rays of everyone trying to enjoy the concert, you…well, you still feel like an ill-socialized, inconsiderate jerk wad.

Hey, but you’re an even bigger jerk if you’re the performer himself interrupting the show:

Likelihood:  High, especially if you’re the type to drunk dial.  Drinkers aren’t necessarily the most considerate.

They Get Lost and Stolen

Remember the days when you used to have to memorize numbers?  Or look on the ratty, grease-splattered piece of paper taped up on the kitchen wall near the phone?  You probably don’t, but that’s how it was, once upon a time.  These days, most of us don’t even remember our own mother’s phone number.  If your phone gets lost or stolen, you’re screwed.  Not only have you lost all your contacts, but gone are your photos and videos, not to mention a little bit of your dignity.  Especially if the douche who stole your cell phone plans on uploading your risque pics and videos (It seemed like a good idea at the time, right?) to the internet.  Oh, there goes your reptuation, too.

Likelihood it will happen to you:  Average.

Likelihood your phone will end up swallowed by your dog:  Super high, if you’re this South African couple.

They Make Unwitting Upskirt Shots Easier

If you’re a girl who favors skirts, watch out.  There’s been a surge in this type of, ahem, photography, ever since the camera phone made its debut.  I’m all for a consensual upskirt shot (who isn’t?) but it’s the sneaky attempts at catching a glimpse that are downright creepy (not to mention illegal).  Before cell phones, snapping an upskirt shot meant carrying around a clunky old camera, happening upon the right place at the right time and maybe even adjusting the f-stop (depending on your level of artistry), during which you were likely to blow your cover.  Before camera phones, it wasn’t quite as easy to catch a woman unawares.  Now,  perving is just a flip and a click away.  Mini-skirt wearing school girls on the subway are more endangered than ever.

Likelihood it will happen to you:  Moderate, whether or not you dress moderately.

They Make Catching Upskirters Easier

If you’re a dude who favors upskirts, watch out.  Regular folk with cell phones can seek revenge, foiling your attempts at virtual tom-peepery.  Recently, a New York City man was arrested when a quick-thinking, skirt-wearing subway rider used her phone to take a picture of him, after he took a picture of her.  She e-mailed the photo to police and the pathetic chump was arrested on charges of attempted unlawful surveillance, attempted sexual abuse and harassment.  (Read the story here)

In fact, there’s an entire website dedicated to profiling subway harassers captured on cell phones here.

Likelihood it will happen to you:  Pretty high, you lech.

The FBI Can Use Them to Eavesdrop on You

So, it’s illegal for strangers to use cell phones to take photos of a lady’s nether regions, but the FBI can use cell phones to listen in on that lady’s conversations.  No, you haven’t just stepped into the pages of 1984.  This frighteningly Orwellian scenario happens here and now.  The FBI can remotely activate a cell phone’s microphone to eavesdrop on conversations, whether or not the phone is in use, or even powered on.  The technology is usually used to listen in on mobsters’ riveting conversations (“Yeah, I’m thinkin’ pepperoni.  Naw, I don’t like black olives.”), so unless you got some action with the Administration, you probably don’t have too much to worry about.  Because the phone needn’t be powered on to be used as a futuristic spy tool, though, the only way to be completely sure you’re not being tapped by the feds is to take out the battery.

Likelihood it will happen to you:  Slim.  Unless, of course, your nickname happens to be “Slim.”

They Get You Into Car Accidents

Chatting it up on cell phones while driving is dangerous, whether or not you’re planning hits with the mob.  All the stats on cell-phone related crashes aren’t in, but people think driving while on the phone is a serious enough problem to ban the practice in a lot of places.  The law has spoken:  We weren’t meant to operate heavy machinery while holding tiny technological devices to our ears at the same time.  If anything, we were meant to operate heavy machinery while applying mascara or dunking a scone in our double soy half-caf mocha frappuccino or trying to wrangle a sugar-high toddler back into the car seat.

Likelihood it will happen to you:  Hey, quit reading!  Eyes on the road!

    Ah, the world of cell phones, where purveyors of sleek technology astonish us with innovation. With such a vast array of options available, it should come as no surprise that there exists an equally massive market for accessories. At best these accessories allow us to personalise and enhance our cell phone experience. At worst we are left with a post-purchase consumer hangover. This article will explore the lengths to which companies go to achieve that most coveted of titles: the Unique Selling Point.

10 – Cell Phone Charm

    Arguably a modern equivalent to the old fashioned key ring, these potential choking hazards seem to be becoming ubiquitous among those of a certain age. They usually consist of injection molded plastic shaped into objects that range from tacky all the way through to downright awful. There exists such a huge range of these inappropriately named items that this writer can only assume that there are people out there who have attached so many that a rucksack is required to carry them all. The picture shows a cell phone charm in the shape of a phone. Trying to conceive of a reason for the existence of such a product is probably best left to the philosophers.

9 – iPhone Telescope

    The advent of cell phone cameras has turned us all into budding paparazzi, so it should come as no suprise that the immense accessory production capacity of the People’s Republic of China should be turned towards lenses. The iPhone Telescope seeks to improve the admittedly sub-par iPhone camera by attaching a frankly ridiculous looking lens. It requires you first put your iPhone into a plastic case, restricting access to the side buttons of the phone. If you are so audacious as to actually attempt to take a photo using this lens, you’ll find the lack of image stabilization will likely result in a blurry impressionist mess on the screen. Ultimately this product is only marginally more useful than buying $20 of cell phone charms.

8 – LUCY Noise Free Throat Microphone

    Existing somewhere between Blade Runner and Star Trek, the LUCY Noise Free Throat Microphone is a “total solution” to “communication noise intrusion problems”. This product could certainly be useful in workplaces with a lot of background noise, such as when under attack by the Klingons.

7 – Bluetooth Bracelet

    This gadget, shown in a rather charming pink, vibrates and displays the name or number of a caller on an OLED screen when a call is received. Probably the only genuinely useful product on this list. While this may seem like a strange product at first, imagine the alternative applications of this technology away from bracelets. As cell phones become more general purpose appliances, the number of uses for a device like this increases exponentially. Imagine a device like this sewn into the sleeve of a shirt, wearable computing is said to be a growing technology and this is surely a forerunner.

6 – Flash Pet Tree

    Pioneering a new era of mobile horticulture, the Flash Pet Tree is a jar that combines the flashing function of some cell phone charms with the unparalleled excitement of watching a plant grow. Slowly. The perplexing thing about this product is the sheer pointlessness of it. The futility of a plant in a hermetically sealed container is almost enough to cause an existential crisis for this writer, which is not something one wishes to occur on receipt of a phone call. The sales website promises ‘the fun of raising plants, the scents of joy’ as well as to ‘help busy people of our times be in touch with nature’. Indeed.

5 – Antenna Booster

    As we hurtle into a future increasingly reliant on technology, it is interesting to note that certain concepts evolve and progress with us. Snake oil has existed since at least the 1880s. In it’s original form snake oil was exactly that – a supposedly beneficial oil allegedly extracted from snakes. Between then and now snake oil has taken on a variety of forms, be they tonics, pills or gases the concept remains the same. So it is today with technology, mysterious little gadgets and doodads are offered for suspiciously low prices in conspicuously high volumes. The Antenna Booster is snake oil plain and simple, a small piece of plastic and metal that slots in behind your phone battery and harmonizes the magnetic resonance of the Thirteen Ghosts of Scooby Doo to make your phone work better. All for $5, for a pack of two!

4 – Anti-Stress PU Phone Seat

    Concerned that your phone might be feeling a little stressed out? Want to give it a chance to just kick back and relax for a bit? The Anti-Stress PU Phone Seat is the accessory for you! A soft foam seat with an “anti-stress function”, ideal for allowing your phone to recover after a long phone call or particularly complicated text message. Remember, stress is the leading cause of low battery in many cell phones so be sure to give yours a break every now and then!

3 – Mobile Flashlight

    Obviously attentive to the fact that most of us at some time or another have used our cell phones as flashlights, the makers of the Mobile Flashlight (compared to those immobile flashlights?) have jumped in to ensure that we no longer waste our cell batteries on such trivial issues. By simply attaching a bulky bit of plastic with some LEDs to your phone, you too can vanquish the darkness! If there is anyone out there that would destroy the form factor and aesthetics of their phone to use something like this, this writer would love to hear from them. Preferably with pictures of one of these attached to an iPhone.

2 – Protector

    I think we all remember this one. The debates, the arguments, the news reports. There was a time not too long ago when these things were on sale everywhere, it seems they fell out of favor though, and can now usually be found lurking around discount stores, near their brothers the Antenna Boosters. It is scientific fact that if you install an Antenna Booster and a radiation protector in the same phone, you gain direct access to the minds of gods. An unstoppable force collides with an immovable object, the wolf dwells with the lamb and nothing is ever the same.

1 – HOT Vision Video Goggles

    Surely a front runner in the “Most Likely to Cause Severe Retinal Damage” awards, this device claims to simulate a virtual 50 inch screen by placing tiny screens very close to the user’s eyes. Theoretically a solution to the irritation of watching video on a small cell phone screen, the inclusion of headphones apparently allows for some serious immersion. This writer anticipates a future in which public transport is full of people wearing these, each immersed in their own private world. But lets face it, the real appeal of these is the opportunity to impersonate Geordi LaForge.

We live in an age hell-bent on reliving the past.  Retro-dance clubs, retro-gaming, and retro-fashion are all huge right now, with the nostalgic decade of choice being the hair-spraying, sitcom soaring, crane-kicking, Zelda-saving ‘80s.  The key to pop-cultural popularity these days is as easy as mentioning the word “Transformer” or by impersonating a wookiee (just ask the writers for Family Guy or Dane Cook).

I recently discovered a retro movement which had me laughing as hard as the time I watched a rerun of Miami Vice (insert Family Guy flashback here).  Cell phones from the ‘80s and beyond have become extremely popular, with websites like Retrobrick and Retrophone selling more than 500 ancient clunkers a month!  Classics like the 1983, Motorola DynaTAC 8000X (first commercial cell phone eva!) have become sought after collector items, Bluetooth technology is being installed in old-school handsets, and even Apple’s iPhone is riding the retro train by introducing the new “rotary phone” application for dialing addicts everywhere.

So my big question is this: why on earth is this happening?  With technology racing towards smaller and faster, why would anyone yearn for the chunkier and slower?  Sure it’s fun to revisit those old 2D videogames, or to tease the living crap out of your bangs, but to lug around a portable phone in need of a battery pack? C’mon people!  Here are 5 reasons why retro phones should be left where they belong:  in Optimus Prime’s helmet.

1.  They look ridiculous

It doesn’t matter how cool you think you look, a giant DynaTAC stuck to your face makes you look like a giant tool.  How are women expected to lug these Frankenphones around when all the space in their purses are taken up by Princess the poodle?  Like carrying a microwave on your shoulder, this great-grandfather of portable phones should remain behind glass in a museum, where it can’t dislocate any shoulders or transform anyone’s brain into soup.

2.  Retro phones ain’t got shit

We’ve got GPS, MP3, photos, videos, videogames, calendars, phone books, text messaging, internet, internet porn, calculators, captured celebrities spewing racism, internet porn.  Going retro with your cell phone is like trading in your plasma screen, Blu-Ray, home theatre system for a Kinetoscope!

3.  They are pains in the neck

During my investigation I was surprised to discover a ridiculous invention called the “Retro Phone Handset.” Laughing in the faces of Bluetooth and convenient hands-free earbuds,  a horrific marriage has taken place between old and new technology. You can now attach a replica of the Western Electric 500-series model handset to your cell phone, whenever you need to go hands-free.  Silly humans.  How easily we forget the neck cramps involved in stirring linguini noodles while balancing those old receivers between our skulls and our clavicles.  Do the words “I have to go now Sarah, my head is stuck to my shoulder” ring a bell?  A loud, annoying bell, that should have been replaced with a funky ringtone years ago?

To make things even worse, the geeks over at ThinkGeek.com have taken a lame concept and have poured extra lame all over it.  To their credit they removed the spiral phone cord, giving the retro handset user the freedom to roam unhindered.  Much to their discredit however, a quote from their website proves that they are indeed geeks through and through, and their motives in creating the handset remain far from helping the user look any cooler.

“We have taken the ever-popular Retro Handset and updated it to connect to your cell phone using Bluetooth technology. That’s right! No more tangled up phone cord. Now people will think you’re really crazy talking into an old-time handset connected to… nothing.”  For that “really crazy” look that’s really hot right now, this is just what we were looking for.  Get out of our heads ThinkGeeks!

4.  Dialing is for suckers

iRetrophone is an application software which gives iPhone users the chance to remember just how long and frustrating dialing phone numbers used to be.  More paradox anyone?  They’ve completely eliminated the physical strain of having to actually “push” buttons, only to revert right back to the dark ages when anyone who had more than three 9s in their phone number was considered an asshole.  What’s next iPhone, the Smoke Signal application?

5. I’ll let this commercial speak for itself

There are certain moments in time which are better left forgotten, and this 1989 jeep ride is definitely one of them.  The biggest laugh of all is that these phones cost nearly $3,000 at the time!  I can tolerate retro music, fashion, hell even retro graphics can still be endearing, but when it comes to retro cell phone technology all I can say is “Hey, the 1980s are on the phone, and even THEY want to upgrade!”

Do we really still need to talk about this? You’d think with over a decade of experience under our belts along with our inherent delusions of hyper sophistication that we’d have figured things out by now. But the sad truth remains: cell-phone douche-baggery is worse than ever! In terms of maturity levels, many of us rank amongst toddlers, interrupting anyone and anything with our loud nonsense, our little fingers obsessively pushing buttons with what’s left of our attention spans constantly distracted by various bells, whistles, and bright colors on tiny screens. This ridiculous need to be in touch with all people at all times is getting out of hand, and while we think we are staying more connected with each other, we are in fact treating those closest to us like China treated the Mongols. We’re building giant walls people! The following are basic cell phone rules of etiquette which people still can’t seem to follow. In fact, they should be called “How to use your common sense and remain polite in a human society.” Read them, learn them, and absorb them into your system as you would the vitamins from a mango smoothie.

1. Talking too loudly.

“YES! FOR THE LOVE OF BABY JESUS, WE CAN HEAR YOU NOW!” For some bizarre reason people feel the need to raise their voices while on their phones. I think we’ve come far enough, technologically speaking, to trust the phone’s microphone to adequately amplify and carry your voice. Your mouth couldn’t physically be any closer to the microphone, so unless you’re talking into it from a Captain Kirk distance or calling in an airstrike while under heavy machine gun fire, there’s no need to yell. Hell, even Kirk never raised his voice and he was communicating with an alcoholic Scotsman on a space ship!

Note: There are attention-seekers out there who speak loudly on purpose to “show off” recent accomplishments and victories to impress surrounding strangers. Do not hate on them too much, they were probably adopted and are cursed to constantly seek approval from anyone within earshot.  Lord knows, I’m adopted, and that’s what I do.

2. Holding inappropriate conversations in public.

No one needs to hear how wasted you were last night, or what color your boyfriend’s boxers were on the night the two of you, um, “played Scrabble.” Keep your personal conversations personal. If you don’t want people to see you crying in line at the bank or while ordering a stuffed-crust pizza, refrain from having emotional conversations in public. Offer to call the person back, step outside, or find a quiet place where you can openly and unabashedly describe your new foot fungus.

3. Rudely interrupting conversations.

Have you ever felt the only way to maintain a conversation with the person right in front of you is to give them a call? Ever arrive at the climax of a hilarious story, only to have the momentum ruined by “Sorry, I gotta take this”? Why is the disembodied voice of someone else more important than the flesh and blood standing before you? It’s very frustrating to stand around waiting while your “friend,” date, or family member gets into a phone conversation on your time. When this happens, I recommend simply walking away. Even when you’re sitting in a restaurant, if your date would rather chat with someone else, then you should get up and leave immediately to find someone else. Or, as I mentioned earlier, call them on their other line. “Hey, how’s it going? How’s your sea bass? Isn’t the wine delicious?” If you can’t beat ‘em, call ‘em.

4. Checking your phone at the movies.

Movie theatre announcements and people who are quick to “shhhh” have done a decent job of reducing reducing cell phone rings over the years. But people are still checking their calls and text messaging rfiends, silently, but equally annoyingly. There’s a reason why we spend an arm and a leg to watch movies in the theatre. When the lights go out and the screen lights up, we try to forget our everyday troubles and we submerse ourselves into whatever the hell world we bought tickets for. We escape. But when out of the corner of our eyes we see someone’s entire face light up while they check their phone messages, we’re yanked right back to reality and are reminded of how many jerks per square foot there are in the world. Turn your phones off, have a little consideration for the people around you. The world won’t stop spinning if you’re unavailable for 2 hours. “But what if there’s an emergency?” The odds of an actual emergency occurring are astronomical. Besides, if there was an emergency, it already happened. You already weren’t there, and chances are the people who could actually do anything about it, already have.

5. Texting while driving.

Somebody please get the “Darwin Awards” on the phone. Of course, if you’re driving when you do, make sure you’re on hands free or have pulled over before you start explaining how there are people who send texts while behind the wheel of a vehicle. According to a Harvard University study, cell phones cause over 200 deaths and half a million injuries each year. And that’s with eyes on the road! Laws are in place to make sure people aren’t talking on their phones, and yet people are typing?!?! (I very rarely use the double question mark with the double exclamation point at the end of sentences, but this is ridiculous) I would love to see the tombstone: Was LOL when he WCTTFW (Went crashing through the freaking windshield) Anyone caught texting while driving should be stripped of their driving license forever.

6. Texting while talking.

You ever have someone try to listen to your story while text messaging someone else? You want to give them points for making the effort as they clumsily insert “oh yeahs” and “un huhs” at all the wrong moments, cutting you off mid-sentence with a “no way” as they furiously thumb type in your face, but at the same time you want to volleyball spike their phone to the ground for being unbelievably rude. A third option is tell better stories.

7. Texting small talk.

Does our friendship mean nothing? Have we become so lazy and disinterested in each other’s lives that we’re asking people to sum up their days with a text? “How r u?” “What’s up?” “What’s new?” These arbitrary questions are annoying enough when asked in person, but at least we have the ability to fire back equally insignificant responses in one second or less. But expecting people to waste their time typing “not bad, u?” or “same sh*t” or heaven forbid “let me tell you about my day” is about as lame and pointless as your appendix.

8. Loud and annoying ringtones.

I was riding the bus to work one morning, when out of nowhere the silence was shattered with screaming. It was the type of scream a frat boy lets out when a serial killer is in the process of gutting him with a fountain pen. I just about had a cardiac arrest and many of the people on the bus jumped out of their seats. It was only when the repetitive screaming suddenly tripled in volume that we all discovered the culprit: a cell phone. Some jerk pulled the phone out of his pocket, embarrassed at how loud it was, and accidentally dropped it on the bus floor. The joke now on him, the whole bus watched in amusement as this dude’s face grew redder and redder, scrambling to pick up and silence the screams coming from his phone. While there are far too many stupid ringtones out there to mention here, the story makes the point: turn down your stupid ringtone! No one thinks you’re clever, or funny, or musically savvy when you’re little pocket jukebox interrupts their thoughts. That guy on the bus probably thought his scream-tone was hysterical, but the looks on everyone else’s face read loud and clear: “What a douche bag!”

9. Disturbing live performances.

Comedy shows, concerts, plays etc…Nothing boils my blood more than having art ruined by a ringing cell phone. I nearly gave a security guard a standing ovation when he grabbed a gentleman by the collar and escorted him out of a Cirque du Soleil show for having his cell phone go off during a particularly dangerous acrobatic stunt. You ruin someone’s comedy act or interrupt an actor on stage, in turn spoiling the experience for everyone around you who’s spent their hard earned money on a night out, and you’re an arrogant douche-monkey who should be put in the corner with the rest of the 5 year olds. But when you disturb a performer who’s very life depends on needle-point focus and concentration, you should be put in jail.

10. Location location location

There are countless locations where “taking the call” is inappropriate and extremely annoying to those around you. The first two off the top of my head as the most frustrating are in libraries, and fast food restaurant lines. One of the last places on earth, aside from an empty church or your own bathroom, where people can go to read, think, and study in silence, is under attack by people who refuse to disconnect from the outside world. Does the word SSSSHHHHH mean nothing to you? Take the call outside, before someone throws “War and Peace” or Stephen King’s “It” at your head.

While ordering food, there’s no need to explain how annoying a phone call can be for both the restaurant staff and for the customers in line behind you. Check out how one Subway restaurant dealt with this problem. Again, if people are going to act like children we need to treat them like children. Well played Subway, well played.